Heading Home...

...Five months ago at this time I was sitting in an airport excitingly awaiting my arrival into a new world.  A world that unbeknownst to me at the time would challenge me in ways that I had never been challenged, motivate me to do the unexpected, and clarify my life in a way that gives me purpose.  And now, after a countless number of laughs, tears, and adventures, I have to say goodbye to the most influential thing in my life.

I've been asked so many times if I'm ready to go home.  And although I'm of course ready to see my friends and family, spend the summer weekends at my cabin, and hopefully get taught how to play guitar for real by my little brother, for the first time in my life, I'm scared to go home.  I want to think that I'm forever changed from my experiences abroad.  And it's not that change that scares me.  I'm terrified of going home and falling right back into the same life that I was living 5 months ago.  Of discovering that maybe the past few months didn't influence me as much as I had hoped.  Of losing everything that I have learned here and NOT making significant changes in my life back home.

I really don't know how else to explain how I'm feeling or how to make others understand what I'm going through.  I know that there is no one else that will ever fully understand my experiences, and I've truly become ok with that.  I need to have faith in myself and trust that I can make it through any challenges that home might bring.

...Two hours before I head off to the airport...didn't time go fast.

Leaving Kenya I was incredibly nervous to come to South Africa and meet up with a group of students that were coming directly from the United States and hadn't all had previous experience in an third world country. Part of me was scared that I wouldn't be able to relate to them very easily or that I'd be considered the girl who thinks she is superior to the rest of the group since I had spent so much time previously in an African country. I am happy to say that I discovered that I had nothing to worry about. I can honestly say that I have met some of the most inspiring and amazing college students of my life. Every single person is so different, yet we somehow manage to remain extremely cohesive. I have truly enjoyed these past 3 weeks learning and growing with each other. So to my fellow leadership minor students, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the amazing individuals you are. You all have truly impacted me in unique ways that will never be forgotten. I love you all! South Africa '08...Incredible!!!!!!! Can't wait for part 2!

Dedicated through Passion

Everyone I meet here has dedicated their life to something that they are passionate about.  Edwin and the many others have dedicated their lives to the JL Zwane Center and to help better the lives of the people living in their community.  The staff of interstudy are unbelievably dedicated to everything they do and do their job with so much passion.  Aaron organized this trip out of his motivation and ever growing passion towards the issue of HIV/AIDS and his love of helping college students recognize their potential in the community.  Passion.  It is a such a personal thing and something that I believe we should all be strive to find.  Our group discussed the idea of passion for a while the other day and talked about how discovering your passion can be a bit frightening.  I think that once you are truly passionate about something, it becomes a part of who you are.  You dedicate yourself towards it, it drives you, it changes your life in ways that can never be planned or expected.  It completes you.  I think since I left the United States, I've started discovering what I'm truly passionate about.  As a result, I have found a new excitement about my life.  I hope this excitement continues after I return to the states.

Our Responsibility

A few days ago our group visited a home in Gugulethu that belongs to a woman named Priscilla.  She is an older woman who has 2 daughters of her own but has also taken in 10 orphans.  In order to take on the responsibility of 10 other kids, you might think that Priscilla has a decent amount of money, but this is not the case.  She took in these children not to be able to introduce them to wealth and riches, but rather to give them a consistent place to call home and to be treated with undying love and care.

Our group visited Priscilla's home and made her never ending family lunch and gave the kids toys.  We were told how much the sandwiches mattered since it's not uncommon for the kids to come home to no food.  As the afternoon continued I got a tour of Priscilla's home by Edwin, the director of the JL Zwane center.  Although there were beds in the home, some kids still had to sleep on the floor.  The roof was made of tin and was so old that rain constantly drips through the holes.  All the kids' clothes was shoved into one barrel.  Although they did have running water, it was of course always cold.  There was newspaper on top of the toilet to be used for toilet paper and the young women of the house had no other option but to be creative with how to take care of their monthly feminine issues.  The refrigerator was of course empty and there weren't even enough blankets to go around.  Edwin told me that he really wanted to redo Priscilla's home that would accommodate all the children that she keeps accepting into her home.  He said he prays for the day that this dream comes true.

I left Priscilla's home with so many thoughts running through my mind.  A conversation that I had with my mother back in the states kept replaying in my head.  I had asked her what drives her to continue doing so much philanthropy work and her response is something I'll never forget.  She simply said, "It's not a choice for me anymore.  I've seen the poverty in the world enough that I can't just do nothing.  It isn't a choice, it is our responsibility."  As I was driving away from Priscilla's home and seeing all the kids with their new toys in one hand and their other hand excitingly waving goodbye, I felt this overwhelming feeling of responsibility.  I knew that whether to do more to help Priscilla was no longer a choice.  It is our personal responsibility.

I'm excited to say that our group has decided to raise money in a variety of ways this summer to redo Priscilla's home.

The Guilt of Poverty

The wealth distribution here in Cape Town is pretty overwhelming.  The majority of our time here we are staying a very white and wealthy neighborhood.  We call the house I'm staying in Mini Man, short for Mini Mansion, because the house is so nice.  Last week however was spent in Gugulethu, an extremely large township where many black South African people live.  We lived among the Gugulethu community for a few days, yet quickly returned to the American equivalent of White Suburbia.  This unequal distribution of wealth is something I struggled with very frequently in Kenya, and I continue to struggle with it now.  I've been asked for money a number times, even by children, and I frequently deny them generosity.  While many justify this act by saying that giving a kid your pocket change won't actually make a difference, I'm weighed down by the guilt of the reality.  The reality of the situation is that I'll refuse the equivalent of 50 cents to a hungry child while at the same time drop $150 without thinking to go shark diving, something that is totally not needed and simply for my own personal pleasure.  What makes this reality even worse is that I'm not willing to give up things like shark diving, sky diving, rafting the Nile, rock climbing,Wine Tasting,shopping (oh my God, making this list almost makes me sick to my stomach).  I'm disgusted with the amount of access we all live with when others can't even feed themselves.  I'm disgusted with myself for not giving up some of those excursions and using that money to feed more kids while I'm here and it's embarrassing posting this reality about myself for the world to see.   

  In Kevin Winge's book, Never Give Up, he discusses the guilt he continuously feels when working in South African townships and then returning home to luxuries and riches.  But then he says something extremely important.  He explains that it is useless to spend time focusing on guilt.  It is an inevitable feeling that will never go away, but it is unproductive and a waste of time to dwell on it.  Rather you need to just act and do something...Kevin Winge started a non-profit supporting HIV/AIDs patients, I went shark diving.

~The Love of Being Abroad~

My Reflections

Broken in so many ways

Life is unfamiliar

Who am I really...I wonder

For years I've been taught

certain things

believed certain truths

acted in certain ways

influenced by certain lives

...now I'm away from the certainties of my life

I'm left here, somewhat alone

No one truly knowing my past

I'm free

Free from stereotypes

Free from expectations

Free from outside pressure

Of who I'm suppose to be

What I'm suppose to do

How I'm suppose to look

What I'm suppose to feel

I'm free

Free to focus on me

Figure out what I want to be

How I want to live my life

What I want to accomplish

And discover the path that I want to take

To choose my life, my way, myself.

...the moment I stop searching within, I will have stopped living the life I want to live.

~Katherine Rose

Unique Approaches to Life

The past few days have been spent living in the Gugulethu, one of the largest slums in S.Africa, and experiencing the people and culture in hopes that it would broaden our views of the world. I can honestly say that in the past few days, I have been surrounded by the most amazing people I've ever met in my entire life. Every morning different individuals would come in and meet with the class and share their life stories with us. One woman's story is something that I will remember for the rest of my life. She explained how she was raped years ago and contracted HIV. Her actual story is obviously incredibly heartbreaking, yet her attitude was unbelievable. She is hands down the most smiley and genuinely happy person I've ever met. She focused on the fact that life is extremely hard, yet no matter what obstacles are thrown at you, you have a choice of how to react. Although she has had horrible things happen to her throughout her life, she makes the choice to be happy.
Our nights in the townships were spent eating and dancing. Every night we all gathered together with our host moms at one persons home and had group dinners. Afterwards, the women would crank up traditional African music and hardcore dance. Now these women aren't young 20 year old kids like the rest of us, they are much older women, yet that didn't seem to matter. As outsiders, we come into the slums with this judgmental eye, assuming that life sucks. However, although these women have been faced with many challenges in their lives, it doesn't stop them from dancing. The amazing thing about people that have nothing, is that they appreciate everything. They have the only thing that truly matters in life... each other. They are somehow able to focus their attention only on the good things in life, approaching their struggles with so much optimism, faith, and support from one another. They are beautiful, their lives are beautiful. I have never met people that are so free. I have so much to learn from them.
...I am eternally grateful for the opportunity and the honor of being surrounded by so many amazing people. They are forever in my heart.